l o s t — ish

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I’m not sure why, but I feel like I have to apologize every time for not writing that often as if you guys care THAT much .. sooo sorry !!! but hello, I’m glad you’ve found this !!

Today my writing isn’t as happy or “encouraging” as normal but this has been something that I’ve been dealing with/stressing over for the past 2 months honestly. and It’s just the feeling of being lost and not fully there (if you know what I mean) but let me try to explain better…

right now my life couldn’t be more perfect (not bragging in any way) but I have such good friends, I’m living in a perfect little blue house with 5 of my best friends and sisters (zlam), I have the best boyfriend ever .. fr, I go to such a great school, my classes aren’t too hard, I just got released to tumble so I’m back to cheering and get to cheer this Saturday at a D1 SEC school…life couldn’t be better for me right now (ya feel), yet I don’t feel complete or fully there (ya also feel??).

I hardly ever want to go out with my friends or attend functions because once I get there I’m worrying about things I shouldn’t be worried about and thinking too far into the future. I go just because I want to be around people, but I hardly even socialize once I am out.. (??)

The struggle I’m in is trying to figure out how to live in the moment and not get so stressed out over things that don’t matter .. or at least don’t matter just yet. It’s hard and its challenging because I want to be present and I want to hangout and do things with my friends and spend time with them, but part of me isn’t there fully and so it ends up not being enjoyable at all.

& being like this SUCKS and it makes me sad, so I just keep reminding myself of how good I actually do have it and how these times are going to come to an end soon, so I need to suck it up and have fun and I just try to push those thoughts out of my head but sometimes it isn’t that easy which is so difficult when you want to be there and have fun and be present, but you literally can’t.

( I just want to crawl in bed and sleep forever and stay in my room but I also get MAJOR fomo so I really can’t ever win .. )

My thoughts (or at least what I’m telling myself) is that I just haven’t fully settled into moving back to Mississippi yet. I still feel like I’m about to go home and leave everything here again so hopefully within the next few weeks/month it will all get better. Thats what I’ve been praying/hoping for..

This post is a little bit (lotta bit) more gloomy than all my others and I don’t really have a reason for posting this, but I think some will relate and it just shows that not everything you see on social media is true. We post our highlights and our best moments..no one really sees the downside of you and it’s also something that is hard to talk about. I’m more open on my blog than I am in person and thats something I also struggle with. Being vulnerable in person is a lot harder than being vulnerable behind a screen and not even knowing who all is going to see it.

But anyways, I hope that if you feel the same way I do that you see you aren’t alone (no matter how lost you feel) and I hope that you feel found soon enough. Any advice/thoughts are much appreciated and i’m so happy you read this randomness..xoxo

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